I Can Hardly Wait

I had one of those….gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW kind of days. (Sorry! You’ll be singing this in your head at midnight! Ha! )

After using the bathroom at church, I drove to the nearest Holiday gas station to fill my tank for the week. I chose the button to pay inside at the pump because I had to go…AGAIN! I flung open the door and rushed back to the women’s bathroom. Oh no! It was occupied, and another woman was waiting. “Crap! I can’t wait. I am going to use the men’s room.” I said out loud to no one in particular. The store was empty, and I would make it quick. No one would be any of the wiser.

I entered the bathroom, and when I turned to lock the door, I was surprised to find there wasn’t one. Just a urinal and a stall. “Lord, I hope no one comes in. I will just make it quick,” and I headed into the stall. Mid-process, I heard the door open and a zipper being undone. Quick, Jeanne, say something before he starts…… “Uh! Oh! Oh! I am so sorry!!!” I say in the direction of the loud zipper. No response. Yikes! I do have a low voice; maybe he thinks I am a guy.” I force myself to speak in a higher octave, “Sorry, the women’s bathroom was occupied, and I couldn’t wait!”.

“No problem” I heard the zipper again, and the door opened as the person exited. “Oh, Jeanne! Learn to control that bladder! Or don’t drink so much coffee!” I continued to berate myself as I washed my hands and prayed that this stranger and his bladder had already left the building. Nope. He was waiting outside the bathroom and flashed me a huge ass smile. “I am so sorry. I know if a man was in the women’s bathroom, I would have probably freaked out.” He winked, “No problem, I was just shocked to hear another voice.” I looked down at his shirt and saw he was an employee. “I bet you get this all the time.” “Not really. most people just wait.”

Wait. Wait? I am too old to wait any more. Neither can any of my friends. Haven’t you seen those commercials? We can’t wait unless we take a pill. Or until someone invents a coffee that doesn’t run right through you. Or better yet, let’s just have express bathrooms for those of us over 55.

Thanks, buddy, for being so lovely about it. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had heard a man’s voice coming from a stall.

Looks Can Be….

“Your dweeb is late, so I am ordering an appetizer. I also need alcohol if I’m forced to listen to that whiny, high-pitched voice for an hour.” Michelle flagged down a bartender and asked for the largest glass of red wine in the place. It was 11 am on a Friday, and this downtown sports bar was already filling up.
Michelle and I were both in marketing, and Bill had promised us lunch if we listened to his sales pitch. He was selling air time on our local cable channels, which, at the time, was a relatively new concept. “Okay, Jeanne, What do you think he looks like? I bet he is 5ft 2, 100 lbs, thick glasses, and no hair.” I laughed” You’re mean!” But the truth was I wondered what Bill looked like too. We had spoken with Bill numerous times over the phone, and he relentlessly pursued us for an appointment. Even though he was engaging and super funny, his voice sounded more like a hormonal woman desperate for chocolate and a romance novel. I kept one eye on the incoming steady stream of mostly male customers and my opinion to myself. It was the early 90s, and you couldn’t secretly preview anyone on Facebook or LinkedIn. I hadn’t asked Bill what he looked like and told him to look for a tall redhead and a blonde trying to look important and businesslike.
A tall, dark, and very handsome man headed toward our table with a large glass of red wine. Michelle snapped, “Finally! But where are my onion rings?” “Do I look like a server?” Bill laughed and sat his 6’2 self down in between us. Our mouths dropped open. Bill was model gorgeous and nothing like we expected. When Bill turned his head to get a server’s attention, Michelle looked at me, smiled, and bit her lip. I mouthed, “You’re married!” Michelle continued to give Bill a hard time and told him the tab had already started as he was late. We had a great time, and our lunch flew by quickly.

Even though Bill was funny, charming, and super hot, neither Michelle nor I thought our customers were ready to pay for cable ads. He still picked up the tab and told us next time, it was on us. Later, Michelle and I decided we would never again “conjure up” an image of anyone before we met them. Now we have Linkedin, Facebook, and a variety of other platforms to get a sneak peek and form an impression. But is it really an honest assessment?
I knew a woman named Carol, who met a guy on a dating app. She told me she was very disappointed when they finally met for lunch. Not only was he negative, but he was also 20 years older and many pounds heavier than in his photo. He had very poor eyesight, walked into a wall, and she had to help guide him to a table. He complained about liberals, drug addicts, and smokers during lunch and that he would never date one. When Carol insisted she didn’t smoke, do drugs, or hadn’t voted in years, he still insisted on walking her to her vehicle. Why? He needed to sniff inside her car to make sure it didn’t smell smokey when they said goodbye.
I was like, “NEXT!”
Carol laughed, “No, we are going out again.”
Smartass me, “Why, does he need a seeing-eye date?”
“I don’t know. There is just something about him.”
They dated on and off until she temporarily took up smoking. Yes, this is a true story and still makes me laugh.
As easy as photos are to find now, they are still not an accurate assessment of who one is. Or will be. Or could be. As Robert Palmer sings, a pretty face don’t make no pretty heart. And vice versa. But I’d check your next Tinder date’s vehicle for smoke, excess clothing, and garbage.

Homeless untidy smokers just might be a deal-breaker.

Ginger Snapped

Today, I went to a Costco to pick up a couple of items. I was having trouble finding them so I asked several employees who were more than happy to help me. I even went into the pharmacy area looking for a supplement. They didn’t have it but the pharmacist was more than happy to order it for me….and the price was better than I expected!

I’m as happy as a little girl 🙂 and told the pharmacist and his crew how much I appreciated them. In fact, several weeks earlier a prescription that CVS was going to charge me $1000… Yes $1000… Costco filled for $12.00!

So I decided that, on my way out, I was going to tell one of the managers how happy I was with this Costco. As I went through the checkout, I asked an employee who was helping to put my items on the conveyor belt if there were any managers on the floor. He pointed to two women that were standing 20 feet from me, near an employee area.

As the cashier ran my items through I looked over and the employee I had just spoken with had walked over to these two women. He pointed at me and I heard him say “see that woman with the red hair? She wants to see one of the managers.” They asked “Do you know what it’s about?” “No, she just said she wants to speak with one of the managers.” One of them replied “We will speak to her when she gets done checking out her items.” I thought how nice of him!

I could hear all of this because now they were only 10 feet away. Isn’t it funny how we can have supersonic hearing at times and at other times we can tune out someone who is speaking directly to us?

So as I turned to walk toward them, they looked at me, then looked at each other like “NOPE!” Then they quickly punched some numbers into a keypad and escaped behind a door as I stood there. Stood right there! They knew I was coming over and they fled!!!!! Ha! They probably thought “oh my God it’s a Karen! A redheaded Karen!”Probably fleeing for their lives. Don’t tell me there are no stereotypes of older white women. Or Redheads. Especially older, very pale large Redheads! The guy wasn’t helping me! He was warning them. 🙂

So I started speaking to a guy with a supervisor name tag on who had just walked up. “ Are you a manager?” “No, is there a problem? ” “No, I just wanted to tell a manager how much I love this store and how helpful everyone is. I’m also a new member and was concerned with having Costco fill my prescription but they’ve actually saved me a lot of money and have been more than gracious and helpful.”

Mr. Helpful Snitch started circling us to find out why the albino Karen isn’t happy and I think he was surprised that I had a big a$$ smile on my face.

The supervisor smiled, thanked me, and said he’d pass on the compliments.

I laughed and it didn’t upset me. Seriously. I love this Costco. Too bad the managers missed out on a kudos, today. Not every request of a manager is a negative one.