Tag: humor

Chips In The Oil

Recently, I was talking to a guy friend. Former boyfriend actually. I asked him if he had met anyone interesting and he said “no, my life is pretty boring lately. Besides, I have changed so much. I used to manipulate women with my sad stories and am just too old for the games now.” “Sad stories?” “Yes. I used to tell women how poor I was as a kid and then they would feel sorry for me and I would get sympathy sex.” “Oh really?” I nonchalantly replied as I quickly ran a scan on my memory hard drive. “Yes, one story I told was how we were soooo poor that we could not buy potato chips so my mother would peel a couple of slices off of potato and drop them into the oil so we could have a couple of chips with our lunch.

I started to laugh knowingly. Embarrassed, he asked if he happened to tell me that story too. “Yes, actually you did.” “Did it work on you?”  “No, I recall I told you that I was sorry you were poor and offered to buy you the biggest bag of chips I could find to make up for it.” He laughed” Sometimes, you are just cold.” I just smiled and thought…Not cold, it just took you a little longer to suck me in.

Now I am talking about a lovely man who just happens to be a non-believer. He does not know how to act or think any other way than the flesh. If you recall I just asked him if he had met anyone interesting and I never asked if he was sleeping with anyone. Now I know some of you are thinking but I don’t know those kinds of men. I only know GODLY single men who would never play games. But just because you found yourself a single “Christian” man doesn’t mean anything until he repeatedly proves it by his actions. Don’t be so naive to think that some Godly men aren’t tossing a few slices in the oil and calling it Jesus.

I know some single Christian women who cry about not having a man but never venture out to find one. They basically drive to work and back home again. Now unless a man hurls himself onto your windshield how do you expect to ever meet one? It’s impossible. Reminds me of the homebody roommate I had years ago who developed a strange crush on the Dominoes delivery guy.  Yep. Ordered it every weekend for over a year. Big world out there when you decide to participate.

Or what about the single women who continue to throw their lines into a limited pond? You know the ones. They go to church on Sunday, Wednesday and any other day it is open. They attend every conference, talk, or workshop, and all fight over the same 5 single men who are not available because they are also on the hunt and you ain’t her!

Then one day these women start to panic at living life alone and they jump at the first sighting of something that LOOKS Godly. You say well that is certainly not me but then you find yourself putting on something nice and starting to hit the groups you have never been to. You have traded a past life of hitting the bars for a church crawl so you can soberly scope out the available Godly talent. You are determined not to spend one more Holiday alone. You look around the room and observe the pack for a while. You ignore the speaker because you are too busy categorizing every male in the place. Hmmm, married, taken, too old, too young, crazy, weird, homeless, potential stalker, and then you see someone who appears normal and available. You watch from afar and are suddenly mesmerized by how he raises his hands and voice in worship. His left hand is ringless and you are encouraged. He occasionally pauses to flip open his bible and you know the Lord is speaking words of wisdom to him. He is not easily distracted and listens intently to the speakers. Your heart races and you think oh I want a Godly man just like him! One that worships and reads his bible! I can even bring him to conferences instead of going with my girlfriends. We can volunteer together and start a ministry and and and….. Girl wake up. Let me slap you upside your head right now before you get caught up in the trance. As soon as he bags you or his ideal woman he won’t be going to any more conferences. I don’t care how Godly he looks as only time will tell if he is just playing your game. The “I know you all are looking for a Godly man so I will gladly play the part” game. Are all men like this? No. But take the time to check it out. Just sayin.

Next time you spot someone new take a breath and pause before you get all tingly because he appears to be the man you have been waiting for. Or stop when fear grips you and you feel like you will live the rest of your days alone. So ALONE that you will probably lie dead on the floor for days with your face half eaten away by your 8 cats before anyone thinks to check on you. Don’t let that fear or panic control you so that you plan to grab the next available guy that comes along just because you are afraid you have no other options.

You shake your head and say that is not me but we all know how it starts…ha! Is he single? Yes? Really? Oh my! Single AND a Christian! This must be the one. I know Papa God said I would meet my mate in church one day. He is kind of cute but I would definitely have to dress him differently and OMGoodness his hair! He does need a woman. I hope he has a job. No? That’s okay we can start our ministry right away. What? He does? A good job? Yay, God! DING DING DING DING DING!!!!! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Now I KNOW he is the one. Why else would God have me come here on this particular night AND me having a good hair day? Single, Christian, and a job! Yes, I could definitely make this work!!!!!

Slow down Ruth and wait for your Boaz. God may have some work to do on him yet. Or worse yet maybe some work to do on you. Gasp! Be open to being led by God, even if it means having to get out of your house, church, or nearest revival center to do it. There just might be some lovely man out in the world who isn’t quite a Christian yet. Remember you weren’t always quite the believer you are now. Or it might be someone you would never think would be your type. Or someone you already met or see on a regular basis and I am not talking about the pizza guy. Might be someone who would be perfect for you if you just gave him half a chance to prove he is or could be the Godly man you always hoped for.

Beep!

Last week I was awakened at 5 am by a loud BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Oh crap. That’s an alarm! I crawled out of bed and turned on the light in my hallway to check my Carbon Monoxide detector. Hmmm looks normal. Smoke detector? Nope. I literally have one eye open as I continue to wander around my house looking for the noise. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I suddenly remember an old detector in my bedroom behind a clothes rack.

I pull it out of the wall and see an ERROR symbol. False alarm. Oh good, I can go back to sleep. I sit down on my bed and start yanking on the wires. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Aggghhhh! I have no idea what to do and those suckers are like welded on. How do I disconnect this? My head is pounding and I just want the noise to stop so I start looking through my house for a scissors to cut the wires. I take the sharpest pair and am now trying to cut through every wire. It’s like trying to dismantle a bomb! Nope. These babies are tough! I don’t even think a Ginzu knife could do the job. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Frustrated, I want the noise GONE so I walk to the back door to throw it outside. Duh? Jeanne it is 5 am! Your neighbors don’t want to hear that noise either.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Lord! Aggggh!!!! How can I get this to stop? “Put it in the freezer.” “Huh? That won’t work.” “Yes it will.”

So I toss it in the freezer, close the door and crawl back into bed. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Lord this is not going to work! Yes. it will. Just be patient. I continued to toss and turn for another 5 minutes. All of a sudden I hear…..BEEP! pause… Beep! pause …… beep pause and then bee…. And just like that, my poor little CO detector was frozen to death. Ha! I forgot all about it until tonight when I was digging in my freezer. I think this weekend, I am going to try to thaw it out to see if it will come back to life. Yes. My first dead raising.

Well Peeps. That is your single woman’s handyman tip of the day! Freezers. They’re not just for Pizza any more.

Do You Want Fries With That?


WARNING ELDERLY PARENTS WITH HEARING PROBLEM RANT!


Hi Dad! I am on my way over, what do you want for dinner?


Cheeseburger from Mcdonald’s.


Ok. Fries?


Ok, goodbye!


No. Do you want fries?


Lies? Lies? What are you talking about?


No fries. FRIES! FRENCH FRIES!


Oh. No. Not fries. But anything sweet. Cheeseburger and something sweet.


Apple pie?


Ok, goodbye.


No! PIE! PIE!


That is what I said! Goodbye!


No, DO YOU WANT APPLE PIE?


NO, I don’t want any fries! They’re too fattening!


NO! I said APPLE PIES! PIES!


OK! Goodbye! See you when you get here.


Ok. Goodbye. I’m bringing you freakin cookies

Joint Custody

Aggghh I feel like I have joint custody of a 92-year-old toddler. Yep. Like a 2-year-old with a more extensive vocabulary. My sisters and I take turns bringing or making our father dinner. One night, the kid’s meal is “too much” to eat and the next, he wolfs down a Culver’s Double Deluxe.

It is always a mealtime adventure.

Last month:
“This is really good! I’d like this more often. What’s it called?”

“Spaghettios, Dad”

Tonight:
“This is horrible, What is this?

“Spaghettios, Dad.”

“Who eats this stuff, anyway?”

“Yes, Dad, it’s like ghetto spaghetti in a can. I get it. Just trying to make you happy and you loved it last month”.

“It wasn’t this stuff”.

“Yes it was.””

“I can’t keep track of what you girl’s bring me. Just don’t ever buy it again. And don’t bring me a sandwich, like you did tonight, with a lot of stuff on it.”

“It was only turkey and cheese on toast. What was too much?.”

“Just make me a normal sandwich”.

“Normal as in no cheese? Or normal as in no turkey?”

” Hmmm, How about just plain toast Jeanne?”

“Okay, Check. I’ll remember a normal sandwich is just plain toast. Love you Dad. I need to leave now” (before I burst into flames)

“Ok, thanks. I appreciate you girls. And thanks for not arguing. You were actually nice tonight.”

“Easy to be nice dad, when you are nice to me.”

“Ok, but I still miss the arguing. Kind of boring. Maybe next time we can argue about something.”

Aggghhhhh. At least he doesn’t throw food on the floor.

Imperfect

Sometimes I wonder how I can even be in ministry. I admit I can be terrible. Especially when I am really angry or afraid. I won’t even be fully aware of spontaneously dropping F-bombs. Rapid fire, machine gun F BOMBS! 🙂 I like to blame it on my red hair. Or the devil. It definitely isn’t His spirit in me 🙂. My therapist told me a long time ago that I need to make peace with my sometimes “highly excitable personality.” Yikes. Why can’t I just be a new person in Christ and stay there?

I was recently in a car accident. It was a shocker because I didn’t see the other car. I heard a loud bang and then saw a grey blur of metal as the impact spun my car a 180. It all happened in a heartbeat! I sat in my car shaking. What just happened? I looked down and I had red marks across my chest from the seatbelt and my left thumb was already turning colors. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw that the other driver looked much older than me. Was she okay? I was shocked and sat frozen, unable to get out of my car and access the situation. I finally caught my breath and called 911 and told them there had been an accident.

Where are you located?

I am not sure. I’m really rattled. In Maple Grove. By Walmart. Across from Valvoline. By Starbucks. That side.

Where are you? Southbound? Northbound? What road?.

Uh Uh Uh, Southbound.

I started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t recall the name of the road even though I probably drive it every day. I continued to tell her the landmarks, a block from X highway etc. and she starts screaming at me!

SCREAMING!!!

MAAM! WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU NEED TO BE AWARE OF WHERE YOU ARE DRIVING!!! YOU NEED TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE STREETS YOU ARE DRIVING ON AT ALL TIMES!!! YOU NEED TO….

Her screaming was not making me think any clearer. I’m thinking, why are you yelling at me? Lady, you have no idea if I have a head injury or if my breast is cut off. Hmmm Maybe I hit my head and am worse than I realized! Now I am really panicked so I start screaming back….

Me: What the F$#@$!##@!!!!! I am rattled! I am trying to F@#$#@-ing tell you where I am and F@#$##……

OP: Stop yelling at me! Stop swearing at Me!

Me: You stop yelling at me!!!!! I’m sorry but aren’t you supposed to be the calm one? You aren’t helping this……

I mistakenly gave her the name of a street across the highway from me and she says “No you aren’t there you are on X !!!” Ahhhh….so she knew all along. 🙂 Ha! Maybe she was trying to find out if I had been day drinking.

OP: Are you blocking a lane?

Me: We are off to the side of the road and cars are going around us.

OP: THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM ASKING YOU!!!!!!! ARE YOU…..

This exchange goes on for a couple more minutes and then she finally screams “ YES YOU ARE BLOCKING A LANE!!!!! WAIT FOR AN OFFICER!!!!” Then hangs up on me. I’m thinking, don’t leave? I can’t even talk right now. I then decided to reach out for prayer so I could calm the F@$@#$# down.

We both were obviously not having a good day and she was just trying to quickly assess the situation. I cannot imagine this exchange if it was a murder scene or an abduction. Later, I told the officer that the 911 OP was a real @#$#@#. He just smiled. Hmmm, Maybe he knows her. 🙂 My sister, who showed up to help later said to me “ Do you realize when you said that he had his body cam on?”

OOPS. God is still working on this Redhead, but that doesn’t stop Him from using me. Or you.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Only Big Sky Daddy is perfect and He already loves and adores you. Even if you spontaneously drop an F@#$#%%.

Starbucks

It’s half priced cold brew at Starbucks today. Hate or love Starbucks I wasn’t going to miss out on a cheap brew! 

I ordered at the screen and reminded them it’s half priced Tuesday. ”Great! Yes we know! Pull ahead.” “Do I have to remind you at the window?” “Nope, come on up.”

So of course you know what happens. I drive back thru and ask them to credit me back on my app. I was super nice about it because my days of drive thru iced coffee blunder meltdowns are long gone.

A manager helped the young employee to credit me back as I smiled and patiently waited. This girl just stood back from the window and looked terrified. I think she was expecting me to turn into a Karen, start screaming and toss my drink at her. Too many Karen videos circulating lately of food fights at fast food pick up windows.

I’m too old to throw stuff or start screaming at strangers. Especially before my morning coffee kicks in 🙂

Be kind at the drive-thru!

Redheads

I laughed today, as I saw a man walk into Cub Foods with 3 energetic red-haired children. They actually looked more like a small red tornado; swirling, pulling, shoving and bouncing off of each other. I couldn’t tell if they were having fun or ready to burst into flames! Ha! The poor guy just looked frazzled.

Ahhhhh. A family full of redheaded bundles of joy. Or anger. Or hysterics. You just never know what might show up, moment to moment.

My parents were most likely glad that they only had one. My mother used to save articles that she had found on redheads for me. One was a Time or Life Magazine article, in which they did a study on a group of redheaded children. They found some significant differences. Redheads were more easily angered, frustrated, and had a very low tolerance for waiting. Waiting of any kind. The magazine stated that is why the Vikings, who were predominately redheads, enjoyed fighting, killing and pillaging. They just couldn’t help themselves!

Redheads supposedly had a lower tolerance to pain, needed more anesthesia and were found to, more often, have addictive personalities. The study also included monitoring the children’s classroom behavior, the day after Halloween. Photographs showed the children, after an evening sugar binge, out of control and literally bouncing off the walls!

I hate to admit it, but when I was a child, I could occasionally be a handful. Ok, even as a young adult. Ok, up until about 15 years ago. Ha! Glad I got more mellow as the years went on. Most days I am pretty calm. Except in rush hour traffic after my morning McDonald’s coffee buzz. Or the afternoon drive home. Or waiting in line. Especially waiting in line. I think that is why the Holy Spirit always seems to manifests when I am standing in line. Probably safer for everyone. Sure keeps my mind off of pillaging.

Smarter Than The Average Bear

A friend “Susan” and I met up for coffee. As we got up to leave, she said to me, “You’re really smart. You know that. Right? “

I laughed. “We think other people are smart when they know something we don’t. That’s all.” Susan has an MBA and is no dummy.

The truth is, If we can keep our big burrito hole closed more often, we’ll learn a lot from other “smarties.”

One night, at a party, I was mesmerized by a stranger’s conversation. He was a manager at a fast-food place, and I had a ton of questions. How do they know how many McMuffins to make during the breakfast rush? How long do the fries sit there? Do employees ever spit in the food? You know, real-world-changing questions that I’ve had rolling around in my head for a while.

Later someone remarked, “I can’t believe you sat there and talked to that guy for half an hour about McDonald’s.” I said it was interesting. I find many things interesting that’s why I’m a great trivial pursuit partner. Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone plays trivial pursuit anymore ha ha Ha

Next time you think somebody’s more intelligent than you are ….. stop! 🙂 I bet there are plenty of things you know that they haven’t a clue on.

Then share them with me. I’ll meet you at Chipotle.

You Can’t Take Me Anywhere

I was out for dinner with a group of friends when the couple next to us exploded into a loud screaming match. Our stunned group suddenly stopped talking, and you could see everyone was uncomfortable. I quickly deadpanned, “Wow, dinner AND a show.” and calmly took another bite of my salad. My group burst into laughter, and we resumed our meal. It wasn’t so much that I was clever as I knew making this joke would break the tension. At least with our group, it would.

Later, I felt remorseful as the quarreling couple looked embarrassed at our laughter and left shortly after. How do you break the tension in a situation? With humor? Peacemaking? Pretending it didn’t happen?

Life Is Short-Flush!

Have you ever had a strange memory suddenly resurface for what seemed like no connection at all?  Today this one popped up… 

Years ago, I knew a guy who temporarily rented a room in a home, along with several other men, from a homeowner. The owner gave them specific rules when it came to the shared bathroom.  The men were not allowed to flush the toilet! The owner wanted to save water, and it was only flushed once a day. The communal pot sat all day until the owner made the official flush at the night’s end.  WTH?  I said what if you had to go #2?  He said that you were just poo out of luck 🙂. He learned to hold it and only do his sit-downs at work.

 I mean, how much money could someone really save? The average toilet uses 1.5 gallons to flush.

Yikes! That rule would not have worked with a house full of women.  That first night would have required a Roto-Rooter visit, and that would’ve been the end of that Hitler Youth Camp.

May the Lord bless you, ladies, with ample TP throughout the next couple of months, regardless of the threat of shortages.  

Have extra? Help a sister out. The men are on their own. They learned to whiz outdoors when they were 3.