Imperfect

Sometimes I wonder how I can even be in ministry. I admit I can be terrible. Especially when I am really angry or afraid. I won’t even be fully aware of spontaneously dropping F-bombs. Rapid fire, machine gun F BOMBS! 🙂 I like to blame it on my red hair. Or the devil. It definitely isn’t His spirit in me 🙂. My therapist told me a long time ago that I need to make peace with my sometimes “highly excitable personality.” Yikes. Why can’t I just be a new person in Christ and stay there?

I was recently in a car accident. It was a shocker because I didn’t see the other car. I heard a loud bang and then saw a grey blur of metal as the impact spun my car a 180. It all happened in a heartbeat! I sat in my car shaking. What just happened? I looked down and I had red marks across my chest from the seatbelt and my left thumb was already turning colors. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw that the other driver looked much older than me. Was she okay? I was shocked and sat frozen, unable to get out of my car and access the situation. I finally caught my breath and called 911 and told them there had been an accident.

Where are you located?

I am not sure. I’m really rattled. In Maple Grove. By Walmart. Across from Valvoline. By Starbucks. That side.

Where are you? Southbound? Northbound? What road?.

Uh Uh Uh, Southbound.

I started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t recall the name of the road even though I probably drive it every day. I continued to tell her the landmarks, a block from X highway etc. and she starts screaming at me!

SCREAMING!!!

MAAM! WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU NEED TO BE AWARE OF WHERE YOU ARE DRIVING!!! YOU NEED TO KNOW THE NAME OF THE STREETS YOU ARE DRIVING ON AT ALL TIMES!!! YOU NEED TO….

Her screaming was not making me think any clearer. I’m thinking, why are you yelling at me? Lady, you have no idea if I have a head injury or if my breast is cut off. Hmmm Maybe I hit my head and am worse than I realized! Now I am really panicked so I start screaming back….

Me: What the F$#@$!##@!!!!! I am rattled! I am trying to F@#$#@-ing tell you where I am and F@#$##……

OP: Stop yelling at me! Stop swearing at Me!

Me: You stop yelling at me!!!!! I’m sorry but aren’t you supposed to be the calm one? You aren’t helping this……

I mistakenly gave her the name of a street across the highway from me and she says “No you aren’t there you are on X !!!” Ahhhh….so she knew all along. 🙂 Ha! Maybe she was trying to find out if I had been day drinking.

OP: Are you blocking a lane?

Me: We are off to the side of the road and cars are going around us.

OP: THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM ASKING YOU!!!!!!! ARE YOU…..

This exchange goes on for a couple more minutes and then she finally screams “ YES YOU ARE BLOCKING A LANE!!!!! WAIT FOR AN OFFICER!!!!” Then hangs up on me. I’m thinking, don’t leave? I can’t even talk right now. I then decided to reach out for prayer so I could calm the F@$@#$# down.

We both were obviously not having a good day and she was just trying to quickly assess the situation. I cannot imagine this exchange if it was a murder scene or an abduction. Later, I told the officer that the 911 OP was a real @#$#@#. He just smiled. Hmmm, Maybe he knows her. 🙂 My sister, who showed up to help later said to me “ Do you realize when you said that he had his body cam on?”

OOPS. God is still working on this Redhead, but that doesn’t stop Him from using me. Or you.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Only Big Sky Daddy is perfect and He already loves and adores you. Even if you spontaneously drop an F@#$#%%.

Redheads

“Are you mean? I heard Redheads are mean!”

WTH? Great conversation starter.

She continued, “Or are you nice?” I replied” I’m nice…..until I’m not” and then gave her a wink.

I had just sat down with a group of people who included some new faces. This woman, who came from a country of mostly dark-haired and dark-eyed residents continued to stare me down. She was the size of a kindergartner so I figured I could take her if she made any fast moves 🙂

The group began to chat about an upcoming event we were all involved in but when the conversation lulled she piped up again “So are you mean?”

I relayed the story to a friend “Seriously, do you believe that? Guess that would be redhead stereotyping”. She laughed “Well it probably doesn’t help that you and I have RBF. (resting bitch face) You also have a way of looking right through someone. I can’t tell if God’s giving you a word or if you are reading someone’s mail. It’s a little intimidating”

I sighed ” I am probably in my own little world. Just stressing out trying to remember if I locked my back door.”

Years ago, I received an email from Fr. Neal who had moved to Costa Rica. “You’ll never guess what they call redheads down here! They call them Al Qaeda!”

Oh my, everyone’s a comedian 🙂

It’s ok if you are afraid of redheads. I am seriously afraid of clowns. Oh wait….don’t most clowns have red hair?

Damn! Maybe I’m afraid of redheads too.

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Wasted

2:55 pm and I am 5 minutes early for my teeth cleaning. I grabbed a magazine and waited for my name to be called. A couple of minutes later, a woman came in with 2 small children and checked in. She stated she was really early. “No problem, we will take you in now.” I am busy answering emails and checking Facebook and realized 25 minutes later than I haven’t been called.

“Are they running late today?” “No. On time.” “My appointment was at 3 and it is almost 3:30.” The receptionist looked at her computer “Oh, a woman came in early with her 2 kids for a family cleaning so I just put them into your slot.” “What? She had the appointment after me, but you put her before me because she came in early?” “Yes, did you need to be some where?” ” WTH? “That doesn’t even make sense. I came in before she did.” “Well, sorry. I thought it would just be easier.” Easier for who? Because she had kids? Because you didn’t want to listen to her kids for 45 minutes? What? I took a deep breath and sat down before I went redhead on her.

I complained to the hygienist, to my dentist and anyone else who would listen to me that day. Heck! That week! That was over 10 years ago and it popped up, again, last night, and annoyed me all over again! Minor inconvenience, major annoyance. Ever have any of those? In the big scheme of things, doesn’t mean much. But then it does. Otherwise it wouldn’t keep percolating in your memory bank just to pop up at the strangest of moments. Do you have any memories like this? What is it all about really? Certainly not about a half hour that you can’t ever get back. We all have plenty of those. Dysfunctional family feasts. Listening to a coworker drone on about their weekend. Waiting in line at Target. Stalking old loves or enemies on Facebook. Wasted time you will never get back.

What is it really about? About not being honored? Or valued? Respected? Or being invisible to the world? That in the big scheme of things we don’t really matter? Unfortunately, that is how I felt and how stupid is that!!!

Next time a minor inconvenience causes a major annoyance ask some other quedtions. What do you need? From others? From yourself? From God? If you can’t blow it off, ask what you need to fix this in your heart. Before it gets to autoplay. It might save you from wasting another half hour getting angry or hurt about something or someone that doesn’t really matter any more. Stop wasting time you can never get back. Or at least use it for some wasted fun. Like binge watching Ugly Betty again or FB stalking those people you love to hate. JK!

Just ask God to fix that hole in your heart. Ask Him to show you what the hole is and then remove it from your memory bank. Negative pop ups are just wasted time and energy.