rambles, rants and revelations

One redhead's journey to get over herself.

God hangs out at Frankie’s

Long after church was over, a group of us stragglers decided to grab lunch.   Our favorite place was packed and there was a 20 minute wait.  We drove to a nearby restaurant and were told the same wait time.  At this point, everyone was starved so we just walked down the sidewalk to find anything that was open and landed at Frankie’s Pizza.

My salad was nothing spectacular but I didn’t care.  Why? Because I love this group!  These are my peeps!  Its always fun.  Always interesting.  As we were finished up and waited for the bill, I decided to run to the bathroom.  As I pushed open the ladies’ room door,  a woman rushed out and she almost knocked me over.  She grabbed my arm, “I am so sorry, baby!”  “No, problem”  I smiled, “guess it scared us both.”  She nodded “Yes,  you never expect it and when I came out of my apartment and there was this guy with a hood up on his jacket and……    I didn’t really hear the rest of it as God suddenly illuminated her face and said “She is looking for a job.  A different job.   Ask her about that.”

“Are you looking for a job?  Do you need a job?”    Her eyes got big ” Well, what do you have in mind?  Do you have a job for me?”   “No.  God just told me that you don’t like your job and you are looking for a different one.”

“What?  Now you have me spooked.  How did you know that?.  I was just sitting at the bar telling my friend I didn’t like my job and wanted to get a different one.  We were so quiet that I didn’t think anyone could hear us.”

Me: “Well I didn’t hear you. In fact, I didn’t even notice there was a bar.   I am sitting over there with a group of people from my church, our pastor and his wife.  God knows you want a new job so just be open to it.  Be open to doing something different.  You are very organized and have a great attention to detail.  God has something that will use your gifts.”

“I mean why would God tell you this?  Can you see how I would be freaked out?  I am sitting at the bar having a drink with my friend.  Why would God speak to you about me if I am having a drink at the bar? ”

Me:”Do you really think God cares that you are having a drink at the bar?”

She pauses. ” Well, I mean I AM drinking at a bar!”   She asks my name and tells me hers is Kia.

Me ” Do you really think that God cares that you having a drink at the bar? He isn’t checking ID’s 🙂  I mean they didn’t run out of wine at the wedding until the apostles showed up.”  She laughs!  She must have had some church if she gets my joke.

I continued “He loves you.  He wants the best for you and wants you to know there is more.   We went to 2 restaurants first and came here because there was a wait. We never eat here. He wanted us to connect, so I could tell you this.”

Kia starts to tear up. “Wow.  He does love me.  Can you see how this would freak me out.  I was just telling my friend how much I would like a different job. Thank you so much.  I don’t want to come over to your table and pray with you if I have been drinking.”

I just smiled. ” God isn’t freaked out by you having a drink and you don’t have to come to our table and pray.   Have a blessed day.”  She smiled and thanked me and walked way.

When I returned to our table, I scanned the room and was not surprised that Kia had fled the restaurant.  Ha!  I probably killed her buzz !  You can’t take me any where!

I told my peeps what happened and we laughed.  God is every where.  God is always speaking to us or through us.  No drink at the bar, or needle in your arm or blow up your nose will ever stop Him from speaking to you.  Or loving you.  Or wanting the best for you.

I hope Kia thought about it later and I hope she recognizes when that new job opportunity door is opened to her.

Just never fails to amaze me how cool God is.  You can’t out cool God 🙂




More than Blah


Snow in April isn’t bringing my soul much sunshine.  I am so tired of snow and grey skies.  Makes me feel BLAH.  Makes me feel stuck. On hold.  Cooped up. Like cabin fever of the mind, body and soul. You’d think I would spend this time finishing the book I have been working on forever.  Or, at least, reading one of the many books that I have purchased in the past year that are piled up in a corner in my office. How about something that doesn’t take that much energy? Cleaning closets? alphabetizing my spice jars? Nope.  Just sitting like a lump.

“God, why do I feel this way?”

“You can blame it on the weather, but it is what is in your heart. You feel blah because you feel there is nothing to move forward to.  Forward in.  You are not willing to move through the blah to see what else I have for you.”

Yikes!  He responded so quickly that I didn’t have time to realize I don’t really want an answer.  But that is the truth.   I don’t know if I want to move through the blah.   Right now it feels too comfortable, too familiar.  I can sit in my favorite chair, with my Zevia, and mindlessly watch another sitcom reboot.  I mean what life would ever feel complete without the new adventures of Roseanne, Will and Grace or Dynasty?

Then I begin to think of all of the people who are no longer on this earth to complain about feeling blah.  Now I feel guilty.  Selfish and petty.  Just get up off your a$$ and do something.  That will make you feel better!  But it doesn’t, because I can’t.  I don’t want to.

“You ask not.  That is your struggle.  You ask not.  You have given up on your dreams. Hopes.  Desires.  You no longer have any dreams because you have lost the desire to move forward.  Why?  Do you want to know why?”

Not really.  Now I am a little spooked.  Lately, I tend to ask God general things and not specific questions.  Maybe I am afraid He would really answer.  AND in detail!  Or maybe I am afraid I am nuts. One of those weird ass Christians that I joke about.  “Ok, why? ” and I hold my breath for the answer.

“Because you don’t feel you deserve anything better.  You feel like you have reached that which you are supposed to have.  You feel lucky to be alive after the accident.  You feel like to ask for much more is just being greedy and selfish.  I have more for you.  I really do.  Wasn’t your time to perish.  Just a bump in the road. Stop hearing my voice through the voice of your parents.  My voice is filled with love, hope and edification.  You are my daughter and like any parent I want the best for you. But unlike any earthly parent, I can make it all happen.  By my power through you.  By my power through others.  My children are missing that point of salvation.  Of the resurrection.  My power is abundant and there for the asking.  You can do everything through me.  Because of me.  Nothing gets held back.  Regardless of what is going on in the world.  I can change hearts and make things happen.  What is it that you desire?  Do you want me to place my desires for you in your heart?  Would that take you out of your blahs? ”

He stops and waits for my answer and I am afraid to say yes.  Afraid that I can’t do what He wants me to do.  Like maybe He wants me to schlep around on people’s couches again or go to Africa where it hot and filled with bugs and snakes. I pause.  Before I can tell Him I am afraid He says “Paul wandered, but he was taken care of financially.   Would I not take care of you?  Not everyone is called to have nothing of worldly goods nor go on a tropical mission for me.”

“Ok.  I am still afraid but I will say yes.   Place your desires in my heart.  Make it a burning desire.  Make it burn so much that I want to do it.  Not just start it, but to finish it too.”  I don’t hear anything, but i think it is probably because I am afraid to.  Amazing how we can shut off the communication on our end and then complain that He isn’t talking to us.  I decide to jump in the bath and as the water fills the tub I tell Him to fill my heart with His desires for me.  How will I know when that is?  I guess  I will have the desire to get up out of my current existence and do something else.  Something better.  Probably something scary.

I am ready.  Not ready.  I surrender.  I am ready.  Nope, not ready…….yet.

God, please light a fire under my a$$ and one in my heart. Lord only you can help me get off the hamster wheel.  Its up to you.  Its always been up to you.  As I can do nothing without you.

Philippians 2:13 The Passion Translation 

13 God will continually revitalize you, implanting within you the passion to do what p pleases him.[a] . 



“Billy” Billy? “Yes, Billy” God shows me an image of young Billy standing straight and tall over a couple of people. I stop what I am doing and for several minutes watch a scene play out, like a video, in my mind’s eye. Before I can ask why, I hear “Tell his mother, Angela, what I am showing you.” Yikes! “God, I don’t even know if she believes in you and now you want me to tell her that you are talking to me? About her son?”

Aggghhh I haven’t even had my coffee yet. Do I even want to go there right now? I have a choice. I don’t have to tell her anything, as God would still love me anyway. But, would I want her to miss out on something really cool? Something that could be confirming? Comforting? Life changing? Or will she just think I am nuts? Or even worse, one of those weird ass Christians? Before I have a chance to weigh the consequences I blurt out…..

” I know you are going to think this is strange, but God just showed me something about Billy that I think you should hear. No worries. Its all good. God is showing me that Billy is very mature. That he is a leader. A quiet leader. The teachers love him and the other students listen to him. I hear God say several times that Billy is a SHINING EXAMPLE. I see him towering over a group of people. He hates bullying. Someone is getting teased or bullied in his group and I can see him saying “Stop. Don’t do that! That isn’t cool, man!” And it stops. God is showing me that he is where he needs to be, right now. He is making a difference and changing those around him by the way he is. By who he is. By the way he treats people.” Angela smiles. “That is exactly him! That is exactly how Billy would handle it too! There is a lot of anger and dysfunction with the others in the group. So glad to hear that and maybe something happened today and he stood up for someone. Thanks so much for telling me. And say hi for me.”

“Hi for you?” ” Yes, hi to God.” and she looks upward. “Sure.” I laugh and walk away with a smile. I am glad I told her. I guess I am always glad I share with someone what I hear. And I can imagine that any parent is happy to hear that there son is doing well and liked by others. Especially when one’s son has Autism and goes to school with people who are just like him. Well, maybe not quite just like him yet. Sounds like God is using him to shine a light on how to treat others. Sounds lovely. Actually it sounds like love. God’s love.

I have never met you Billy, but I think I love you already too.

Turn The Page

So last night when I put my shoes on to run to Cub, God told me to donate my coat at a nearby Goodwill on my way home. Ok. No problem. I have lost a little weight so it is big on me anyway. So I pull into the donation bay and the clerk gives me an odd look as I take it off and check the pockets for any future winning lottery tickets . I hand her the coat and drive off. On the drive home, God continued to speak to me about how we hang onto things that no longer fit us. Things that are no longer good for us. Or beneficial. Why? Because it feels familiar. Comfortable. Predictable. Hard to turn the page and get to that next chapter when we have a permanent and immovable bookmark.

What causes us to hang on to old crap? Fear of the unknown. Fear that things could get worse. Or worse yet……they could get better and we wouldn’t know how to handle ourselves. Or anyone else. Think about it peeps! What old coat are you unwilling to part with even though it no longer fits you and where you want to go? Or need to go? Or will be bored to death if you don’t go? I don’t want to be on my deathbed sorry that I played it safe. I just want to be smiling because I DARED to play! Dared to draw outside of the lines! Left the fenced-in area! Make a decision to make one commitment to yourself this year to move forward. Don’t know what that is? Ask the big Guy. He knows. We have a forward moving God! He is never stagnant. Me? I am asking for His wisdom this year. His wisdom in ALL THINGS. I am ready to move forward. Even if I am screaming and freaked out on the way!

Musical Chairs

Last night I went to a meeting and the place was packed. At offering time I wrote out a check for the speaker’s ministry. God told me how much to write it for. Ok. Sure. Then a couple minutes later I saw the pastor of the church that was hosting the event. His church has amazingly continued to host this revival that has been going on for 90 days straight! God told me to write him out a check for $50 and thank him for hosting the event. I thought “This is starting to be an expensive night, Daddy God” But, I knew I was hearing from God so I wrote out the check and then the pastor suddenly looked up at me and walked over and I handed him the check.

In the meantime, they are playing musical chairs in my section and moved a young man to the chair next to me so they could seat a large family together. “He is looking for a job.” What? God whispered again. “He is looking for a job” Job? ” a different job”. Ok, so what do you want me to do with that.? Like I didn’t know. I wasn’t in the mood so I was trying to play dumb until I was sure it was from God. For the next 10 minutes, God kept repeating himself. Ok.I get it. I didn’t feel like I was being disobedient, but rather I felt kind of stupid. Like it is too quiet to say anything right now. So finally I leaned over and whispered to the young man “Are you looking for a job? Or a different job?” His mouth dropped open and his eyes got big! “Yes, how do you know that?” “God told me” Then God suddenly opened my mouth and gave me the rest of it. I think sometimes He doesn’t give you the WOK or prophecy until you open your mouth to relay it. Why? So you don’t add your spin on it. Our human minds want to fill in the blanks so it makes sense. And, as you know, the supernatural doesn’t always make natural sense.

“Be patient as God has the perfect job for you. In fact, it is right under your nose. Or it will be. Does that make any sense?” He just smiled. “No, but I am sure I will find out” Ok, now my work here is done. Ha! I can start quietly playing Words With Friends while I am listening to the speaker. But, God wasn’t finished. “Give him the $20 bill you have in your purse”. What? Now I know it is just me. This money and my blank checks must be burning a hole in my bag tonight. “Give him $20. He has a need for it”. Yikes. Ok. Now how do I do this? As a male friend has said “Men don’t like it when you give them money or advice. Especially advice!” Hahahaha! Lord, how do I give this guy money so he doesn’t get offended? Or worse yet, think I am a crazy pants? God laughs “You’ll figure it out” Glad you have such confidence in me, Daddy God. I sat on it for about 10 minutes and thought again….this is sure getting to be an expensive evening. My buddy Christopher and I decided to leave early and as I stood up I knew it was now or never. I leaned over and whispered to the young man “Don’t think I am weird or anything, but I am supposed to give you this $20” and I handed him the bill. His mouth dropped open again and he looked up at me like WHO are you? “Oh, you must know why I am giving this to you. I waited for him to say something like I am broke or I need money for gas. Instead, he smiled and said “Wow. God told me I was supposed to donate $20 to the church tonight for having the speaker”. I just smiled “Well there you go.” and we left. Probably a good thing God didn’t give me heads up on why he needed it. Certainly easier to give if you think someone REALLY needs something versus just another donation. But God had other plans. His plans. God, you could have just had me give the pastor $70 bucks 🙂But we all know it just wouldn’t have been the same.

On the way home my friend and I discussed what happened. Even though I really enjoyed the worship and really needed to feel the tangible presence of God…maybe I wasn’t supposed to go to the meeting for me. Maybe it was for this guy. To build his faith.To build trust. To build a clearer awareness of a God who is AWARE of him! Not sure. Guess I don’t need to know why. But at least I am not worried about the money. Daddy God always gives it back to me and then some. I am learning that it isn’t really about “being obedient” In fact, I am getting tired of people saying that we need to “be obedient” regardless of how we feel.

If you know in your heart that God is telling you to do something it isn’t hard to do it or to follow through. Right? If you really believed God was telling you to do something and it wasn’t blowing up a nightclub or marrying a 10-year-old, wouldn’t you do it? Call that being obedient or whatever. I just call it BEING with God on the same wavelength.

Make it a good week peeps 🙂

Where does the time go?

This weekend, while cleaning off the top of my desk, I found a bunch of scraps of paper with scribbling on them. I was like WTH? It took me a couple of minutes to figure out what these bits of paper were. Duh! I had written down websites, youtube channels, book titles, product names, and other information because I wanted to research, read, view or listen to them later. Later. Later as in I don’t have time right now. Hard to fit it in when I am watching a video on facebook, while messaging on Messenger and listening to a podcast. It will have to be later. Much later, as in probably never. Unless we stop right now to take in that information we most likely never will. And I can only do 3 things at once. Unless it includes coffee. Then I can do 4. We are all so inundated with information. Overwhelmed. A media avalanche of other’s facts, theories, insights, opinions, fake news and all around bullshit. I can’t handle another blog, podcast, newsletter or coupon in my inbox. But I don’t have the heart to delete or block. I have FOMO even if I never get to it all. I am an information junkie. I can’t help myself. Search engines call my name. They tease me with the promising thrill of interesting tidbits that are only seconds away. How does one put themselves on an information diet? I don’t know. I guess it is safer than playing pull tabs. Or the penny slots at Mystic. I am cutting myself off in March. Ok. Cutting down. 🙂 Unless, of course, there is coffee!

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Fueled Up

Look what I found in my cart today at CVS! Apparently someone needed a little bump to go shopping today. Been there. Years ago, my weekend errand runs were escorted by a 12 pack of Special Export. Usually stashed in the backseat of my car. Of course on ice. I wasn’t that hard core to drink it warm 🙂 Why? I had panic attacks so bad that I couldn’t get into any store or public place without being “fueled up”. My best friend amazon wasn’t invented yet and I had to do it the old fashioned way. My biggest fears were Target and K-Mart. Or any place that had florescent lighting and crowds of people. My mind and body predictively reacted, every time, like I was caught in the middle of a bull run in Spain! I literally thought I was going to die when those panic attacks would hit me. I self medicated for years. Through therapy I finally learned what caused them. I was afraid of everything. Life. Death. Failure. Success. Moving forward. Even though I knew the WHY, I didn’t know how to change anything.

When I started to get rid of the reasons I hated myself along with shame and guilt, the attacks started to somewhat subside. I thank my therapists for that. But when they finally disappeared, it was because of Daddy God. I finally just let Him love me. Right where I was. Right in the middle of it all. I had to give it to Him, because there was nothing left to do with it. Then i started letting Him help me. I can be pretty transparent and I feel like I am supposed to share this for a reason. Not to tell you how bad I used to be, but to open your heart a little. Open your heart to people who are struggling and you can’t understand why. Next time you meet someone who has an addiction or you are frustrated with a family member or friend who can’t seem to get their stuff together, you might want to find out what is “fueling” their need to make bad choices. What is behind it all? Fear? Feat of death? The future? What is too painful to face? Is there something they have done that they don’t feel they will ever be forgiven for?

Start speaking to people about God’s love for them and how letting His love in has changed you. Or how the Holy Spirit has helped you navigate through life. Healed you. Provided for you. Rocked your world! How you are all fueled up on He who lives in and through you. We don’t testify enough about the goodness of God. Just try to be a little normal about it and not give a 3 point sermon after every story. Truth is, it is normal. We were designed to have God live and move through us. To direct us. Not like robots, but in and through the unique way He has created all of us. We are all His creations. Yes, kids. He has created everyone and everything on this planet. Even Hilary. Even Trump. Even that spoiled brat who runs North Korea. We are all God’s kids. Instead of condemning this year, try seeing the good in others that God sees. Then share it with them. Love never fails. Never.

Where did they go?

Whatever happened to that crazy Westboro Baptist Church? I posed that to someone this weekend and he told me that ever since Trump, who is anti-gay, came into office, they have quieted down. I doubt it The news networks have just moved on. 🙂 At least I don’t hear them showing up at funerals and mocking the deceased relatives any more! I don’t know if Trump is anti-Gay or not. Don’t care. It is such an old subject to me, at this point. I have gay friends. I have gay extended family members. I guess the word gay doesn’t even really mean that much to me, any more. Does it to you? People is people. Unless they are a$$holes.
I will have to admit that the gay men, I know, are far more fun than the straight men, but that is about as far as I go with the stereotypes. In fact, where did a lot of the old stereotypes go? Funny how when the fear of what you don’t know goes away, so does the stereotypes! For example, people have stopped assuming if one is still single and childless that they MUST be gay. Years ago, when I would first meet someone, they would ask the proverbial small talk questions to see what you had in common with them. “Are you married? Do you have any children?” And I would say no and then there would inevitably be this awkward silence and then the person would give me a quick look over and I would hear ooohhhhh! And I knew what that meant. Because I had never gone the normal route of a marriage or divorce ( or two) or a couple of baby daddies that I had to be GAY! There was no other answer!
Now if people ask, I just tell them I couldn’t have any. Not because I am worried, but because it closes the conversation immediately. No one with children, ever wants to hear some sad empty uterus story from anyone.
As A Christian, we have the spirit of God in us and can love all people. Regardless if we agree with their lifestyle, opinions or presidential candidate choice. I hear some Christians say that we, as a society, have relaxed too much and are accepting the gay lifestyle as normal. That we are going to hell in a hand basket because we are not more angered by people/issues/things that are not “Godly”. Hmmmm. I’d say if we are too relaxed as a Christian society it is because we are learning to love more. We are learning to be love.
Isn’t that what God has called us to do anyway?

Through The Haze

It has been almost two weeks since I needed to take any pain pills. As much as I needed them, I really hated taking them. I would continually space out in the middle of my sentences or my thoughts. Like watching a video and then suddenly putting it on pause! Then forgetting you were even watching a video!

The last day I was at North, before getting transferred to the TCU, I was one big space case. Just lying in the hospital bed, spacing out. But…God kept illuminating a nurse that kept coming into my room who looked upset. At the end of her shift, she stopped in to see if I needed anything else. My mind suddenly became clear and I blurted out “Are you okay?” She just nodded. Then I told her God had a word for her that I wanted to share. My spirit cut through the mental and physical haze, and God revealed and confirmed a family issue that was going on, how a family member had betrayed her and how He would resolve it. That she wasn’t supposed to worry. Her eyes welled up with tears and she said: “how did you know all that?” I said” I didn’t. That was God.” Now you might be thinking……girl you were high! Ha! Did that really happen? Yes, it did. The nurse was so touched by God’s truth and wisdom AND His love for her, that she said “I need to hug you” and suddenly leaned down and actually laid her body down on top of mine and put her arms around me!

I certainly didn’t have the physical or mental capabilities that day to love on her or anyone else….BUT my heart was open to His prompting. No drug could shut that or Him down.

So, are we called to love? Or are we love? If God’s spirit is in us, and God is love……are we not God’s love? Not on our own accord, but through Him? Regardless if we are in the mood or not?

Those of you who know me well, know that I am not always the nicest or sweetest Jeanne! I can be impatient, and easily annoyed or angered. And don’t even try to play me or try to make me jealous! Yikes! That is one big shitstorm waiting to happen! Ha!

But can’t we all be like that? I’d like to blame in on my red hair, but I think it is my human-ness. Our human-ness. Trying to do things on my own. Love on my own.

So are you called to love? Or are you love?

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