I sat on the edge of my bathtub and sobbed. Am I losing it? I can’t stop crying lately. I am physically and emotionally overwhelmed with decisions I need to make, upcoming surgeries, a new job, and I am still grieving Dan. The last thing I needed was 2 large cracks in my bathtub. My imagination ran wild with water gushing to the wood below, causing mildew and thousands of $ in repairs.
I stood up, put my head against the bathroom wall, continued to cry, and wished I could call Dan. “This bathroom needs some color, and a few inexpensive upgrades will make your place look less like the 1980s.” Two years ago, he painted these walls purple while I was at work and hung up a new light fixture.
My Dan could build or fix anything, and I had a reminder of him in every room of my house. Especially my purple bathroom! I recalled one day when I couldn’t figure out how to take down a ceiling light fixture. He laughed, “That’s why you have me!” as his 6’3″ self quickly reached up to remove it and replace a bulb.”
“God, I miss Dan so much! I wish he was still here. He was my rock. I know he is busy in heaven, but I hope he thinks about me sometimes. I wish someone would bring me some more orange flowers as a sign that he does.” Then I felt stupid about wanting a sign. Aren’t I a bigger believer than that? Besides, haven’t enough people brought me orange flowers since he died? Maybe people just do it because they think I expect it. If people did it out of duty then it would mean they were no longer from Heaven.
I continued to cry the next day as I wandered around my home, avoiding the cracks. Grow up, Jeanne! Call a handyman! God started to whisper, “you can fix this. It’s not that hard. Get your sister to help” Carolyn phoned a heartbeat later and was surprised I was so hysterical. “Geez, they are just cracks!” But she soon drove over, and I stood frozen in a corner of the bathroom while she easily epoxied the crevices. God whispered, “See! Was that so terrible” No, it wasn’t, God. What is bad is feeling all alone and not having Dan here to go through life with me.” God continued, “But you’re never alone. You just think you are”.
The next day my friend Christine drove over to hang out for the afternoon. “Hello!” She yelled out as she came thru my back door. I looked up to see her arms were loaded with stuff. Is that what I think it is? I squealed, “Did you bring me flowers?” She handed me a bouquet wrapped in paper, “Yes, but the flowers are the weirdest color combination. I don’t know if you’ll even like it. It’s orange roses and purple lilies. Who would put orange and purple together?”
I know who would …. and they are perfect! Love never dies, nor leaves you alone.