Snow in April isn’t bringing my soul much sunshine. I am so tired of snow and grey skies. Makes me feel BLAH. Makes me feel stuck. On hold. Cooped up. Like cabin fever of the mind, body and soul. You’d think I would spend this time finishing the book I have been working on forever. Or, at least, reading one of the many books that I have purchased in the past year that are piled up in a corner in my office. How about something that doesn’t take that much energy? Cleaning closets? alphabetizing my spice jars? Nope. Just sitting like a lump.
“God, why do I feel this way?”
“You can blame it on the weather, but it is what is in your heart. You feel blah because you feel there is nothing to move forward to. Forward in. You are not willing to move through the blah to see what else I have for you.”
Yikes! He responded so quickly that I didn’t have time to realize I don’t really want an answer. But that is the truth. I don’t know if I want to move through the blah. Right now it feels too comfortable, too familiar. I can sit in my favorite chair, with my Zevia, and mindlessly watch another sitcom reboot. I mean what life would ever feel complete without the new adventures of Roseanne, Will and Grace or Dynasty?
Then I begin to think of all of the people who are no longer on this earth to complain about feeling blah. Now I feel guilty. Selfish and petty. Just get up off your a$$ and do something. That will make you feel better! But it doesn’t, because I can’t. I don’t want to.
“You ask not. That is your struggle. You ask not. You have given up on your dreams. Hopes. Desires. You no longer have any dreams because you have lost the desire to move forward. Why? Do you want to know why?”
Not really. Now I am a little spooked. Lately, I tend to ask God general things and not specific questions. Maybe I am afraid He would really answer. AND in detail! Or maybe I am afraid I am nuts. One of those weird ass Christians that I joke about. “Ok, why? ” and I hold my breath for the answer.
“Because you don’t feel you deserve anything better. You feel like you have reached that which you are supposed to have. You feel lucky to be alive after the accident. You feel like to ask for much more is just being greedy and selfish. I have more for you. I really do. Wasn’t your time to perish. Just a bump in the road. Stop hearing my voice through the voice of your parents. My voice is filled with love, hope and edification. You are my daughter and like any parent I want the best for you. But unlike any earthly parent, I can make it all happen. By my power through you. By my power through others. My children are missing that point of salvation. Of the resurrection. My power is abundant and there for the asking. You can do everything through me. Because of me. Nothing gets held back. Regardless of what is going on in the world. I can change hearts and make things happen. What is it that you desire? Do you want me to place my desires for you in your heart? Would that take you out of your blahs? ”
He stops and waits for my answer and I am afraid to say yes. Afraid that I can’t do what He wants me to do. Like maybe He wants me to schlep around on people’s couches again or go to Africa where it hot and filled with bugs and snakes. I pause. Before I can tell Him I am afraid He says “Paul wandered, but he was taken care of financially. Would I not take care of you? Not everyone is called to have nothing of worldly goods nor go on a tropical mission for me.”
“Ok. I am still afraid but I will say yes. Place your desires in my heart. Make it a burning desire. Make it burn so much that I want to do it. Not just start it, but to finish it too.” I don’t hear anything, but i think it is probably because I am afraid to. Amazing how we can shut off the communication on our end and then complain that He isn’t talking to us. I decide to jump in the bath and as the water fills the tub I tell Him to fill my heart with His desires for me. How will I know when that is? I guess I will have the desire to get up out of my current existence and do something else. Something better. Probably something scary.
I am ready. Not ready. I surrender. I am ready. Nope, not ready…….yet.
God, please light a fire under my a$$ and one in my heart. Lord only you can help me get off the hamster wheel. Its up to you. Its always been up to you. As I can do nothing without you.
Philippians 2:13 The Passion Translation
13 God will continually revitalize you, implanting within you the passion to do what p pleases him.[a] .